Already Gone
by rizzles-4-lyf
Summary: Jane and Mauras last fight. Pre-established Rizzles. One shot - COMPLETE


**Chapter 1**

**Janes POV  
**We fought a lot, a lot more than we ever did when we were merely best friends. I would give anything to be able to go back to the days where I could look at her and feel nothing other than wild appreciation for how beautiful she was. Looking at her now was difficult. Every time we made eye contact I felt sick to my stomach, and not in the giggly excited way I did years earlier. We had been forcing ourselves to stay together for too long, that we had forgotten all the reasons we fell in love with each other in the first place.

"You're over reacting." I told her in the casual voice I had the tendency to use any time she and I were arguing. Mainly because I knew she hated it.

"You had lunch with Casey! Of all people, Casey!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands haphazardly above her head, her hands resting on the sides of her head for a moment before she let them drop back to her sides. "Why?!"

"Because I needed to talk about the fact our baby died a year ago today." I said casually, shrugging my shoulders. I knew how insane it drove her when I acted casual about our fights, and I knew how much she hated Casey. I closed my eyes as I realised what I was doing. I was _trying _to hurt her.

"I hate you." Her words spat at me like venom as they echoed in my head.

"What- Did you just?" I was lost for words. During the course of our fights we both said a lot of nasty, terrible things, but not once have I ever heard her tell me she hates me. I've never seen her look at me with such disgust, never seen her look through me instead of at me. Yet here I stood, her eyes unapologetic as she turned to walk out the front door. "If you walk out that door; we're over." I warned her. Strangely, the fact she quietly shut the front door behind her killed me more than if she had slammed it. It was over.

I looked at the photographs of the two of us scattered around the living room, my eyes resting on the ultra sound image of the child we never got the chance to hold. It had been a year, yet it feels like yesterday that we found out that we weren't having the bouncing baby we thought we were. I remember the look on Mauras face, I remember the way she let go of my hand; and most of all I remember her walking out of the doctors office and not returning; leaving me sitting there with Casey beside me in a mess of my own emotions.

I let out a loud sigh as I tore my eyes away from the bad memory. Maura had insisted that keeping a memory of the unborn child was an integral part of healing and moving forward; yet every time it caught my eye, I felt pulled back to the very day it happened. She thought she knew everything about everything, and it was times like this where it stopped being cute and started killing me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered as I closed my eyes and turned the photo frame so the image was facing the wall. If all our previous fights were anything to go by; Maura wouldn't be coming home tonight. I never knew where she went on the nights she didn't sleep in our bed, and it no longer mattered. All I cared about was the fact it meant I got one more night in my bed before I knew I was going to have to pack up and leave.

I could have waited for her to come collect some things and leave, but that would mean watching her walk out on me; and we both knew I wouldn't be able to cope with the aftershocks that would send through my body.

"God damn it, Jane." I muttered to myself as I sat on the edge of our bed, my hands covering my face as I tried to pinpoint the exact moment Maura went from being my girlfriend, to my worst enemy. They say what starts in chaos, ends in chaos. I had never given that much thought before, but I guess it was true.

"_You're going to walk away, but I need to tell you something." I bit down on my bottom lip as a familiar sick feeling begins to grow in my stomach. _

"_Jane, talk to me." Maura said softly, placing her hand on my forearm supportively._

"_I'm pregnant, Maura." I closed my eyes as I spoke, knowing there was no chance I would be able to handle the hurt expression that no doubt crossed her face at my words. I felt the familiar burn of morning sickness burning stronger in my stomach._

"_I'm not walking away." Her words made my head shoot up, my eyes opening to meet hers. Her face was covered with confusion and hurt; but she was still standing there._

"Did you mean what you said? Are we over?" Mauras voice came suddenly from our bedroom door, making my whole body jump at the sudden sound. I rolled my eyes and wiped away a few stray tears that had found their way out of my eyes.

"I don't care anymore, Maura." I admitted, shrugging at her as I forced my eyes up to meet hers. All her anger was still present in her piercing green eyes, and it was only then I noticed her car keys in her hands. "Just go." I added, rolling my eyes again as I got up and made my way toward the bathroom, not wanting to watch her walk out on me again.

"Jane." Her tone was dominant as she grabbed my wrist, spinning my body so I was facing her. She removed her hand and I felt the skin burn, warning me of the bruise that was going to be there tomorrow. "What are we doing?" Her voice dropped to a whisper as she spoke.

"I'm exhausted." I told her, closing my eyes as I tried to hold my emotions at bay. "I cannot keep fighting with you, especially not about Casey."

"_You have no reason to still be seeing him." Maura whispered as she pretended to continue reading the book she held in her hands._

"_It's just lunch so we can talk." I told her, keeping my voice calm as we sat side by side in our bed. I knew where the conversation was headed, but I thought if I kept my cool long enough; it would be okay._

"_You two have nothing in common." She pointed out as she closed her book and placed it in her lap. "Why could you possibly want to keep seeing him?" Her simple words pushed me over the edge._

"_We lost a baby, Maura. We have that in common so if you can't handle me seeing him that's your issue; not mine." She was silent as she processed my words._

"_I lost a baby too."_

"You forgot about me." Maura whispered as I sat down beside her on the edge of the bed we had shared for the past year. I sighed and rubbed both my eyes with my fingertips. "You did, Jane." Her voice began to shake and I knew if she started crying; I would cave and give her her own way.

"I put a god damn photo of the ultra sound in the living room because you wanted to. I did everything you wanted me to." I told her, biting back as I tried to control my own emotions.

"It's been a year and we haven't even had a conversation about it!" Her voice raised as her tears began to trickle down her face. I refused to look at her. "You talk to Casey about it but what about me?" The sadness in her voice pushed my own emotions over the edge. "You forgot about _me_."

"Maura, every day is a fight with you." I told her through gritted teeth, anger growing in my chest at the mere mention of Caseys name. "I'm too tired to keep doing this."

"It shouldn't be this hard after only a year." She agreed, sniffling as she wiped a few stray tears off of her own cheek. "But I love you." I closed my eyes at her words. Looking at her made what I was about to do too hard.

"This isn't working anymore." The bed beneath me began to shake, and I knew she was shaking her head as she tried to make sense of my words. "I don't want to hurt you anymore." She made a scoffing sound as I opened my eyes again, registering the hurt expression on her face immediately.

"You're leaving me." It wasn't a question. "Don't do this to me." Her voice was quiet again when she spoke as I held back every emotion I was still feeling. "Don't go."

"I'm already gone, Maura." I told her, trying to sound sure of myself as I stood up and made my way downstairs, biting my bottom lip as hard as I needed to to ensure I didn't cry.

"Don't." I heard her whimper through tears as the familiar sound of her high heels clicked on the wooden floor as she chased me through the house.

She grabbed my wrist hard and pulled my body so it was facing hers, her hands moving to hold my face in place as her lips pushed forcefully against mine. I could taste the salt from her tears on her lips and it made my stomach turn.

"Let me go, Maura." I whispered as I used every muscle in my body to push her away from me without being too forceful. "You couldn't have loved me better." I told her, knowing fine well her thoughts when I left were going to go straight to _what could I have done better?_

The last thing I saw in my rear view mirror was Maura. She was standing on the sidewalk, her hands limply resting by her side. I couldn't bring my eyes to look away from her.

Then it all went black.


End file.
